"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
3 2 1 whiskey
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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