Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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