so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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