Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
