hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
