Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
