So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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