How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
