My Higher Power is John Stamos
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
