He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
