moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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