I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
