i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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