i was born a porn star she said
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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