Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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