Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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