there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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