the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
