I just saw a hot homeless man
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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