I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
