Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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