I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
These tits shall not be calmed
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