How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
