well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
