shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
