I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
