i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
