My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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