if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
