i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
