Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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