I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
