things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
