I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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