then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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