Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
