I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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