Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
