I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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