The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
