There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
