last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
