enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
