Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh god it's open bar.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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