in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
