i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
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