I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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