fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
