i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
