every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Randomize
