so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
