wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
