Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
3pm strippers are depressing
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We don't watch enough power rangers
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
