I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
