I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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